Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
