I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
