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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
