Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
