If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Randomize
