He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
