my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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