um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
