Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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