I seem to have left my pride at pride
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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