I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
How naked do you want me to be?
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