Tell her she can't have a vagina
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
