I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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