I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
