Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize