sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
