I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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