she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
