New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
