My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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