my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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