i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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