you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
