I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
