Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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