I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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