hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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