Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
