It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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