Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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