If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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