Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
