I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
