dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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