So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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