Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
