so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize