Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
