The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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