He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize