Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
