Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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