He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
