I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
