after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
