apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
