You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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