it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
