do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
