Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
