shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
