Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
