Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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