walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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