you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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