No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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