oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
