someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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