I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
