How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
