Will you blow on my dice?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
