This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize